BER - A Scientific Explanation

BER (Blossom End Rot).

Although we were disheartened to see such a gardening nightmare, we were enthralled to learn of both the scientific explanation and suggested resolution.

So what is BER?

First of all, let me give a disclaimer that certain individuals have previously complained about the technical level of the aforementioned material. Therefore, for the sake of the ignoramuses, who we'll call Dave and Tyler to keep them anonymous. No, that is too obvious. We'll call them Tyler and Dave. Yes. For their sake, we have included a brainless explanation that can be understood by both infant and imbecile alike.

Now, back to BER:

This may result from low calcium levels or high amounts of competitive cations in the soil, drought stress, or excessive soil moisture fluctuations which reduce uptake and movement of calcium into the plant, or rapid, vegetative growth due to excessive nitrogen fertilization.

Explanation for Tyler and Dave:

Not enough calcium (a vitamin). They go bad and mushy and stinky (not good).

After consulting with the Soil Science Society of America (SSSA), we have determined that we need to provide some type of calcium to the garden. We have since begun to allocate one cup of skim milk for every tomato plant per watering period.

Why skim milk?

the colloidal globules assist in the development of a phospholipid membrane, encapsulating the casein protein micelles bonded with calcium phosphate, which tend to scatter shorter wavelengths than both low-fat and full-fat varieties, providing for digestion of a key protein lactoglobulin, which aids in the absorption and storage of calcium in the vacuole.

Tyler and Dave:

because it tastes like water anyways, so the plants won't know the difference.

Why one cup?

simply put, because the lifespan of a tomato is equal to that of a canine multiplied by a factor of .0892. Therefore a standard tomato plant, which is 16% as voluminous as the average Golden Retriever, will consume on average, an estimated 28% of the typical 1st world canine daily consumption, but needs an average of 14% more food per relative day than the canine due to increased exposure from lateral extensions of foliage, has proven to react favorably to supplemental calcium when nutrients exceed the cubed root of the inverse of the tomato stem girth multiplied by estimated fruit circumference. Therefore, 1 cup is the logical amount to satisfy the Recommended Daily Value.

Tyler and Dave:

it's the only measuring cup we own.

Now that everyone understands well enough, we will give it a try and return and report.